Day: November 7, 2016
WAYS TO MAKE YOUR MAN OPEN UP
Help him help you. There’s nothing more important in a strong relationship than feeling like your partner knows and understands you on a deep, emotional level. But opening yourself up emotionally to your partner isn’t always easy. And why should it be? Making yourself vulnerable to another person is a DAMN hard thing to do. It means sharing parts of yourself with them that even YOU aren’t always comfortable with. But we do it. Because we know the rewards it can yield and worth so much more than some temporary discomfort now. It’s not always easy for men to open themselves up emotionally in relationships. Very often this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the way we treat men in our society. Men are supposed to be tough and strong, which means keeping their feelings deep under wraps. This means when they get into a relationship, opening up can feel damn near impossible even when you know there’s nothing they want more. But where does that leave you? You can’t force someone to bare their soul, but you can’t be in a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to risk making themselves vulnerable either. So you work on getting him to open up, and to be more vulnerable with you, emotionally. Here are a few helpful guidelines to help him do just that without scaring him away. 1. Let him know why you value your relationship. Talking about your feelings (even your good ones) doesn’t come naturally to everyone. So set a precedent. Let him know in clear, simple language what you appreciate about your relationship. It doesn’t have to be grandiose, in fact, make it a habit. When the two of you are working in tandem in the kitchen to make fajitas and you can do it without saying a word or getting in each other’s way, tell him how great you think that it is. You’re setting an example, letting him know that it’s not only okay to say what you’re thinking and feeling, but that it can actually feel pretty great to do just that! Share your hopes for your relationship. It’s tempting when you’re in a relationship that is going well to think about the long term. And why not? The future, when you’ve found a person you want to share it with, can be so exciting to contemplate. But for him, it might be overwhelming. Instead of peppering him with questions like “do you ever want to get married?” “to you want to have kids?” “where do you want to live?” share your hopes for your relationship. “I am so hopeful that our relationship will keep growing,” is much nicer and easier to hear than “all my friends are getting married, what’s your timeline?” Sharing your hopes without putting pressure on him lets him know that there is no expectation for him to spill, but that if he wants to open up, you’ll be happy to receive what he has to say..Share your fears for your relationship. When you are in a romantic relationship with someone who is having a hard time opening up emotionally, it can be hard to share what you’re afraid of. Resist the urge, however tempting it might be, to keep your fears and insecurities bottled up for fear that he will not be able to handle them. By sharing your fears with him in a low-stakes way before it turns into a fight, you set another important example. You can talk about problems in your relationship without it being the END of your relationship. If you’re as open about the bad stuff as you are about the good stuff, it will only serve to make him feel even safer. Make him feel safe in your relationship. Taking the steps listed above is a great way to build a foundation of safety in your relationship, but there’s more you can do to encourage him. Safety in a relationship means knowing that every fight you have isn’t going to be the last conversation the two of you engage in. Make talking about your relationship the norm. That way, he won’t come to dread “big talks” and clam up in fear of them. When you’re feeling stressed out and cranky, tell him that so that he can separate your feelings from your feelings about him. Always share what’s troubling you because in not doing so you create a tense environment and tense does not a safe space make. Let him know that the two of you are partners in this relationship. A relationship is an agreement between two people (maybe more than two if you are polyamorous). It’s a balancing act and it’s a partnership that can be hard work. But when it works, it’s the best thing there is. Let him know from the beginning that you’re there to balance and support him, and that you, in.
DID YOU KNOW?
About president Buhari’s first wife: 1. Hajia Safinatu was born on the 11th of December, 1952 in Jos, Plateau State into a family of 13 children, to Alhaji Yusufu Mani and Hajia Hadizatu Mani. Her mother, Hajia Hadizatu, gave birth to seven out of the 13 children. 2. She was well-educated and was so literate that she could read and write in Arabic, being well-grounded in Islamic education. She attended the Women Teacher’s Training College in Katsina where she obtained her Grade II Teachers Certificate in 1971.Safinatu was 14 years old in 1966 when she met her husband, Buhari, for the very first time when the young major in the Nigerian Army paid a visit to the house of Safinatu’s father in the company of his friend, the late Major-General Shehu Musa Yar’adua (brother of Late President Umar Musa Yar’adua)..Shortly after the two met, the Nigerian Civil War started in 1967 and Buhari was deployed to the battlefields. In 1971, with the war over, the two lovebirds decided to seal it and they got married. She was 18 years then. 5. On the 19th of January, 1984, nineteen days after her husband had just become the country’s seventh head of state and as the wife of the Commander-in-Chief of the Nigerian Armed Forces, Hajia Safinatu Muhammadu Buhari moved into the State House, Ribadu Road, Marina, Lagos State.
SILENT NIGERIAN BILLIONAIRES
Silent Nigerian billionaires – When the term ‘billionaire’ pops up in Nigeria, it is easy to refer to the likes of Aliko Dangote, Mike Adenuga or Mrs. Folorunsho Alakija. However there are some Nigerian billionaires you might not know that keep things on a low key. See the list below of some silent Nigerians you just might not have heard of in no particular order. Jimoh Ibrahim – Nicon Insurance, Global Fleet: The story of Jimoh Ibrahim cannot fail to inspire anyone treading the path to become successful in life. Born to poor parents with about 17 siblings on 24 February 1967, he became a millionaire when he was still studying law at the prestigious Obafemi Awolowo University (OAU) running seminars for local governments on Taxation. In 2002/2003 he contested for the governorship position of Ondo State but lost and he went on to start Global Fleet – a petroleum marketing company. Today he has grown to become one of Nigeria’s billionaires and his investments include the following sectors, among others: oil and gas distribution, hotels, resorts, airlines, banking, real estate, insurance, publishing and investments. He delivers free lectures once a month at Excellence Hotel in Ogba, Lagos through City People on how Nigerians can make millions from any business they venture into.Jim Ovia – Banking and Communications: Mr. Jim Ovia was a co-founder of Zenith Bank Plc and he served as its Group Managing Director and Chief Executive Officer for 10 years. In July this year he returned as chairman of Zenith Bank Group and he remains the bank’s largest individual shareholder with a 9.3% stake. He is also the founder of Visafone Communications Limited and in August 2014, he started construction on a $1.5 billion petrochemical complex in Akwa-Ibom in Nigeria. He is a holder the Member of the Order of Federal Republic (MFR). Chief Ade Ojo – Elizade Motors Nig LTD, Distributor of Toyota cars: Chief Michael Ade Ojo was born on June 14, 1938 and was one of the pioneer students of the University of Nigeria, Nsukka where he graduated from with a degree in Business Administration in 1965. In 1975, he cofounded Elizade Independent Agencies, with his late wife, Chief (Mrs.) Elizabeth Wuraola Ojo. The name originated from the first four letters of his wife’s name “Eliz” as well as the first three letters of his own name “Ade.” Today, the company has grown into ELIZADE Group of Company with as much as seven subsidiaries. He is also solely involved in the construction of a polytechnic; Elizade Polytechnic, Ilara Mokin which is aimed at giving the average Nigerian child quality education.Chief Raymond Dokpesi – Daar Communication, AIT: Born in Ibadan, Oyo state on the 25th of October 1951, Chief Raymond Dokpesi is the founder and chairman of DAAR Communications Limited. He launched Nigeria’s first independent radio station, Raypower, in 1994 and two years later he also launched the first Afrocentric Global Television Station, Africa Independent Television (AIT). AIT is Africa’s first broadcast station to transmit from and into the United States of America.
LADIES NEVER HAVE S*X ON YOUR PERIOD TILL YOU READ THIS.
Period sex – It can be a whole lot more than you expect. Bloating, cramps, aches, crankiness, and, oh yeah, all that blood. When you have your period, the ideal night might sound like popping a few Advil, crawling into bed, and binge-watchingScandal. And although sex might be the last thing on your mind during that time of the month, there’s actually no need to rule it out altogether. Long gone are the days of being relegated to the Red Tent, but unfortunately there’s still some lingering stigma and discomfort around period sex, for both women and men. But there shouldn’t be. “It’s totally fine from a health point of view, and it really has to do with personal preference and being comfortable with it,” says Lauren Streicher, MD, associate clinical professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Northwestern University and author of Sex Rx: Hormones, Health, and Your Best Sex Ever. Here’s what you need to know if you decide to give period sex a go. 1. It could improve orgasm—and ease cramps. When they’re menstruating, women are generally a little more aroused than normal due to their levels of estrogen and testosterone, says Jill Hechtman, MD, Board Certified ob-gyn and medical director of Tampa Obstetrics. There are also other factors that can contribute to increased pleasure at that time. “The blood makes for extra lubrication which can improve the way things feel and improve orgasm,” she explains. While the ability of orgasm to reduce cramps hasn’t been proven in any good scientific study, some women do experience this benefit. So while sex isn’t a guaranteed cure for those painful aches, it can certainly be an enjoyable supplement to downing a couple of Advil. You can still get pregnant. Just because you have your period doesn’t mean that you’re in the clear when it comes to pregnancy prevention. “A lot of people think that if they’re bleeding they don’t need to worry about pregnancy or using protection, and while theoretically that’s true, it isn’t always the case,” cautions Streicher. Because sperm can live in a woman’s body for up to 5 days, “if you have sex towards the end of bleeding, you can actually conceive 4 or 5 days later if you ovulate early,” says Hechtman. “So I wouldn’t use that as contraception.” And because some women bleed during ovulation, they may mistake it for their period and end up having unprotected sex during their most fertile window.There’s no increased risk of STDs. Some sources say that the risk of STD transmission could increase during menstruation. One explanation for this is that a woman’s cervix is slightly open at this time to let blood out. Streicher explains that, in theory, since STDs like gonorrhea and chlamydia are ascending infections, anything that facilitates them traveling up into the uterus could increase the possibility of transmission—again, in theory. No studies have backed this idea up. No matter what, it’s crucial to remember that just because there isn’t necessarily an increased risk doesn’t mean that there’s no risk. Stick to your typical STD prevention regimen during period sex. There are easy ways to reduce blood flow. If you’re squeamish about having sex while you’re bleeding, there are several options for minimizing the flow. One possibility, suggests Streicher, is to put in a tampon before you have sex to soak up some of the blood. But, depending on how heavy your period is, removing the tampon before having sex could result in the drying out of vaginal tissue (and painful sex). She recommends having a lubricant handy, even if you don’t ordinarily use one. And while it may seem obvious, you definitely want to remember to remove the tampon before intercourse. Forgetting to do so could up your risk for infection, says Hechtman. Toxic shock syndrome is the most serious risk, she says, but a foul-smelling vaginal discharge could also result. Hechtman recommends using a female condom, menstrual cup, or diaphragm as a safe way to inhibit the blood flow during sex. Don’t be afraid to bring it up. Just because you’ve tended to shy away from period sex in the past doesn’t mean that it’s entirely off the table as an option. “Sometimes it’s the guy who’s turned off by it, sometimes it’s the woman who’s turned off by it, and sometimes it’s just one thinking that the other one is going to object,” says Streicher. You just have to be upfront about it. “We should remove the stigmas associated with these kinds of conversations,” Hectman says, “because if you’re comfortable enough to have sex with someone, you should be comfortable enough to talk about things like STDs.
BE WISE
Progress, Not Perfection….
Imperfections are part of life. I think it’s sad that some people feel that because being perfectly consistent with your values is impossible, that there is no point trying to debug the inconsistencies. Some self-improvement cynicism is the result of demanding the impossible, expecting perfection instead of progress.
My goal has been to notice gaps between my philosophy of life and my behaviors. I’m certainly nowhere near perfection, but even in just a few years of deliberately pursuing this strategy, I’ve made improvements. Here are a few of the inconsistencies I’ve debugged over the past few years:
From Slob to Productive. Productivity and organization were important to me, but I was a messy, undisciplined procrastinator. Focusing on building the right habits and training myself has almost completely closed this gap. Unhealthy to Fit. My health and energy levels were important to me, but until a few years ago, I rarely exercised and didn’t have great eating habits. Fast forward to today and I eat a vegetarian diet while exercising regularly. Non-reader to Literary Glutton. I would have read less than a dozen books in 2002 or 2003. Over the last few years I’ve averaged about 50-70 books each year. Night Owl to Early Riser. After reading about the potential benefits of waking up early for productivity, I made the switch from waking up at 7:30-8:00 back to 5:30. Unconscious Spender to Budget Maker. After seeing how my finances weren’t being guided, I put in place a more thorough system for recording and budgeting my expenses. Occasional Downloader to Abstainer. I’m against downloading music (illegally). But laziness in this belief meant that music would sometimes wind up on my hard drive from less than reputable sources. I stopped adding new music to my library that wasn’t paid in full several months ago. Recently I took the final step of cleaning my harddrive and MP3 player of any remaining music. Shy to Extroverted. A few years ago my social life was nearly a zero. I had only a few close friends and wasn’t as outgoing as I’d like to be. Now I have many friends and enjoy being spontaneous in meeting new people. I point out these changes because none were instantaneous. Even after I had decided my beliefs on an issue, it took work to change my behaviors. The moment I declared productivity important to myself, I was still a slob. It took a few years of effort to reach the point I’m at today.
From an outside perspective, however, nobody sees that effort. I still get comments from readers that assume I was somehow born productive, early-rising or health-conscious. They don’t see the failed attempts I had in implementing GTD, the days I slept right through my alarm or the four failed thirty day trials I went through before exercising stuck.
I need to take some of the blame for this, because I generally only write about my self-improvement efforts after the fact. Since self-improvement involves so many missteps and dead-ends, I don’t usually find it useful to write about something until I’ve made significant progress in it myself. You only have to look at the current ups and downs of my dating life to see why I don’t share too much advice on that yet. #Moavers
MY PASSION AND I
Passion Evolves
I worry a lot of people fall into the same trap. The trap of believing that they need to make big life decisions before they can start doing anything. The trap that you need to be born with a passion. And the lie that being able to combine your interests with a profession is easy.
When people ask me what I’m going to be doing in five or ten years, I usually tell them I’m going to be an entrepreneur. “Oh. What’s your business going to be?” I have reason to believe this internet business could be it. Between revenues and freelance work I’m expecting to make about ten thousand dollars this year. Concentrated effort for the next four or five years could definitely make this a livable income.
But I don’t usually say that. Because it isn’t the point. In all honesty, I have no idea where I am going to be in a decade but am sure I will never give up in anything I do..
WHO YOU ARE VS WHAT YOU DO
How to Find Your Passions
The better approach to finding your passions is actually fairly simple:
Try a lot of different things See what you enjoy The biggest obstacle to overcome is a narrow vision of what you can do. If I wasn’t passionately interested in anything, I’d try to cast a wide net to look at dozens of different activities. Staying safe and familiar is the reason I’m bored, so now is the time to experiment.
Dabbling is key to the art of finding what drives you. Dabbling means committing to something for 3-6 months. This amount of time isn’t enough to become really good at anything. But it is enough time to get over the sharp learning curve in the beginning.
I didn’t enjoy programming for the first few months I worked on it. I didn’t know enough, and it was too frustrating to continue. But once I got over the frustration barrier, I found that programming is an activity I really enjoy.
If you don’t have any project that makes you want to wake up early and sacrifice leisure for, you should start dabbling. Find new activities completely outside your comfort zone you can do for a few hours a week, and commit for at least two months.*”Always know that there is difference between what you do and who you are…Your profession might not be the kind of person you are, might be what you love doing but you do it, That’s what you do….But despite the fact you have your profession there will be that one thing that makes you happy, you don’t need to be forced to that which you love, might be singing, Acting, Writing or anything, That’s who you are…Don’t mistake the two…Know who you are and never mistake it for what you do…when you have found out what you love doing but in the present situation you can’t do that which you love,don’t give up on your dreams because that’s what keeps you going ”
Organizing Your Priorities What’s more important to you right now? Expanding your finances? Succeeding academically? Improving the quality of your relationships? Excuse making is the result of conflicting priorities. When you don’t have a system for making decisions, the tendency is to just go with whatever feels best in the moment. You can clear this up by defining what your priorities are. The purpose is to aid when one event conflicts with another. If you have to decide between working on a school project or going on a date, you need to look at your priorities. Which ranks higher? Relationships or academic success. Priorities clears up the need for excuse making, since it simplifies decisions with conflicting values. With priorities it’s important to define your major focus and minor focuses. A major focus should get the benefit of any extra attention you have to devote to it. Minor focuses shouldn’t be abandoned, but your goal is to put them on autopilot so most your mental energies are devoted to your major focus. To give an example, my major focus right now is this business. Earlier this year I realized that if I put a concentrated effort, I could tip the slide to where this business could support me full-time. I’m close to there now, but not quite over the line. My minor focuses are my health, relationships, social life, Toastmasters and school. These minor focuses continue to be worked on while I improve my income. But most my mental attention is going into ways I can expand this website and offer more value. Splitting your priorities into a single major focus and several minor focuses makes it far harder to put out excuses. Whenever a conflict arises where I would normally offer an excuse, I can simply think of my priorities. When priorities are clear, it is difficult to justify departing from them.#MOAVERS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Why Be Without Desire?
Before I go off into the high mountaintops of philosophical inquiry, let’s look at the practical matters. What does being without desire for things mean and why might it seem like a good idea?
For this example, let’s say you crave to be rich. I’m using wealth as an example but it could be anything, a healthy body, great relationships, academic or career success. Your craving to be rich leads to a couple side-effects:
Until you become rich, you are dissatisfied. Like a man starving for food, you will feel hungry until your desire is satisfied.. You might never become rich. This may seem pessimistic, but you can’t entirely reject the possibility that the wealth you seek may never come. You are forever hungry. Even if you do achieve great sums of money, the feeling of fullness won’t last. Either you will find a new goal to crave, or you will become bored with your accomplishment.
MOAVERS 